I have a fear of commitment, but I didn’t used to, not before Crohn’s disease began to chip away at the collection of traits I call Me. It’s difficult when you realize that your disease has changed you, and for the worse. It was only after having ileostomy surgery and beginning to recover from a life of Crohn’s disease that I became aware that I’d developed this fear of commitment. Before Crohn’s, commitment was not one of my issues. Case in point: I got engaged after dating my then-boyfriend for two and a half months, at the age of twenty, and we’re still married twelve years later. But when you have a chronic illness, you learn that you can’t count on tomorrow. Every time you make plans and your body betrays you so that you can’t follow through, you feel disappointed. When those plans involve others, you feel like a flake. I hated that feeling. I stopped making plans with people, or when I did they were fraught with caveats and contingencies. I stopped making plans for myself; it was easier to be pleased if I had a good day and could do things than to be upset that I was having a bad day and couldn’t do things.
About two months after surgery, I realized that it might be possible again for me to do martial arts. I located a kung fu school nearby, and after trying out some classes, I was convinced that this was the place for me. I respected the teacher, I liked the community, and I loved the kung fu. Then the teacher informed me that I would have to sign at least a six month contract. Six months! How could I commit to six months when I didn’t even know where I’d be in one month, or in one week, or tomorrow? Wait a second… I did know where I would be tomorrow, in one week, in one month. I was going to be right here, healthy and strong, and feeling great. And if I could let go of my fear and have faith in my recovery, I could sign the contract and have a great time doing kung fu. The only way I could close the deal with myself was to remind myself that in the end, it was just money. I wasn’t actually committing to doing kung fu for six months. I was committing to paying for kung fu for six months. If I decided after a few months that I didn’t like it, or if in fact I got sick again, I just wouldn’t go.
I’m getting better. I later upgraded my contract to a two year commitment in order to save money. After a few more months, I upgraded to a three-year contract in order to participate in more rigorous training that includes tai chi and weapons. I’m considering going back to school to get my Ph.D., and that is at least a six year commitment. But it’s not easy.
My experience with Crohn’s has inevitably resulted in many changes, and not all of them are bad, but as I move on to the next phase of my life I want to let go of those things that are no longer useful. I live my life by a rule of thumb: act from love, not from fear. We often develop fear as a response to pain and hurt. My fear of commitment is the result of adjustments I made to emotionally survive the disease. The surgery may have effectively ended the disease, but it does not repair the soul. The real work of recovery is in recognizing those distortions of soul that I don’t want to keep as scars of my experience, and working consciously to become, not necessarily the person I was before the disease, but a person who is perhaps even wiser and freer for having had the disease.
