I never thought I would get so wrapped up in life that I would miss a few weeks on my blog, but indeed, this has come to pass. I have moved, relocated, renewed, reinvented! So many times in the two years since surgery, I have talked about my new life, and marveled at the possibilities, the potentialities, the process of re-birthing oneself out of illness and into health. But this truly marks a new juncture in my life, a confirmation, an affirmation of what I have been saying: I can dream again, and I have the power to realize my dreams. This little ostomy o’ mine is nothing but a little blip on my side.
I have moved to beautiful San Diego, and here is a portrait: My little apartment is near the UCSD campus near La Jolla, perched on the corner of a deep canyon with eucalyptus trees that start far below me and reach up to the heavens. I sit on the balcony and blink sleepily as the susurration of leaves lulls me into dreamy comfort. The birds suggest a jungle around me – towhees, doves, crows, ravens, scrub jays, hummingbirds – a musical delight cut by the jagged kreeeeaar of the red-tailed hawks that swoop and soar back and forth through the canyon. I am living in a place where I have never been sick. Early in the morning, my husband and I get up and drive about four or five miles down the road to Torrey Pines State Park, where we jog along the gorgeous cliff-lined beach. Often we can see dolphins surfing in the waves. Gulls perch on kelp bed carcasses that have washed up in the night. Snowy egrets run and dance away from the frothing water, and out beyond the break, pelicans and terns are diving straight down. Along the cliffs, peregrine falcons nest and fight over caught squirrels and make a wheezing cacophony. We climb up to the top of the cliffs overlooking the ocean and run on dirt paths that wind through desert plants, sage, and Torrey pines, the aromas lifted by the morning fog into an exquisite perfume. I am running. I am running in the morning time. I will take the ostomy over being sick, again and again I would make this same choice over. If it is Saturday, then we jog back to our car, get into our wetsuits, and go out into the water with our boogie boards. The salt water heaves and swirls around me and renews me. I have waterproof tape around my baseplate; otherwise, there are no other precautions I need to take to get into the ocean.
I went to see a GI doctor here, not because anything is wrong, but just because it makes sense to establish a relationship with someone just in case I should have a problem in the future. As he interviewed me about the history of my disease, several times he said, “You do everything, don’t you?” Yes, I do everything.
I am so happy for you. I want to share with you my blog it is called I healed my Crohn’s Colitis. I am so happy that you are feeling better. More impressed with how you created a whole new beautiful life for yourself and for sharing with me.
Thanks Bob
By: Bob Stickles on June 23, 2010
at 5:46 pm
Hi Bob – I am glad when anyone shares their story. Though I only read your About page so far, I can see that your story is different from mine in some respect. While we were both diagnosed in our twenties, our healing paths diverged. I spent years changing my diet, meditating, practicing chi kung and tai chi, trying Chinese Traditional Medicine, reiki, acupuncture, and a million other things, but in the end, I did not find physical healing from these things. For me, surgery was in fact the way. But I do believe that for some, like you, these methods, and the spiritual and healing path that informs them, does in fact heal. My mother-in-law healed herself from MS after brutally suffering from it for decades, using diet, TCM, tai chi, chi kung, herbs, body work, etc. The conclusion I have drawn from this is that it is paramount for each person to undertake her healing journey with openness, purpose, courage, determination, laughter, and an understanding that each person is unique and, though we might all have the same disease according to western medicine, we each have a unique expression of illness in our physical and spiritual bodies. Therefore, what works for one person may or may not work for another. But in pursuing healing, we must change in the deepest ways. And I advocate that each person pursue everything they can. I certainly do not feel that surgery is the way for everyone, or that it should be the first thing a person chooses to do before trying everything else. I am so happy for those who find healing without surgery, whether it is through western medicine or alternative means. But I also speak to the person who has tried everything, and did not find healing. For some time, I felt guilty and inadequate because these alternative methods – including deep meditation, prayer, and lifestyle change – did not result in my healing. I kept feeling that maybe I hadn’t tried hard enough, that I wasn’t spiritual enough, that I hadn’t put together the right combination. I coupled that with such an enormous fear that surgery was a kind of failure, and a conviction that surgery would be more horrible than illness. It is important to me to communicate to those who are still struggling with illness that surgery is not failure, and that life following surgery can be beautiful and unlimited if you choose to make it so. Of course, this response is more for other readers who may come across this than for you specifically
– I know we are on the same page. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your blog. I will add it, and I know it will provide inspiration.
By: Emily York on June 23, 2010
at 7:59 pm
I am so glad you decided to share your story. Your blog was one of the first ones I found when I started researching ileostomy surgery, and your perspective and experiences were very valuable in helping me to make my decision to have surgery too. I just got my ileostomy last Tuesday and have decided to maintain a blog about it as well. Without the internet and the people who have told their stories, I would not have been as prepared, knowledgeable, or accepting of the procedure. I also have Crohn’s colitis, and my colon was extremely angry looking when they took it out. My GI doctor described it as “gnarly.” I am feeling much better now! Thank goodness I don’t have that angry organ in there anymore making me feel nasty!
By: Piper Lee on June 26, 2010
at 2:08 pm
I am sorry
By: Bob Stickles on June 26, 2010
at 5:56 pm
Hi Piper – Thanks for letting me know, and congrats on letting go of your angry colon! I hope that your healing goes very quickly and that you will soon be embracing everything life has to offer. I’m glad that you’ll be blogging about it; everyone has a unique and important perspective to share.
By: Emily York on June 27, 2010
at 6:47 pm
keep posting.you are such an inspiration.
By: ferida ayoub on November 15, 2010
at 12:30 pm
Emily,
Thank you for your wonderful posts. I immediately identify with the notion of being vs becoming. I am a mere 2 weeks out from my permanent ileostomy for indeterminate pancolitis and am ready to exist beyond the immediacy of the day and basic subsistence. Over the last 4 years, mine was a mere existence of being. I did little planning, would go along with my wife’s wishes (albeit with great hesitance) and used every bit of energy to continue my work as a physician and surgeon.
Your posts, stories and notions of family dynamics reach me very deeply and I thank you for it.
Incidentally, I am a UCSD graduate and could not imagine a better place to truly enjoy life. I often think about moving back to North County San Diego.
Good luck with your graduate program.
With thanks,
Tom
By: Tom on February 4, 2012
at 9:33 pm
Thank you for your feedback, Tom. I’m glad to hear that you’re on the road to recovery! The first couple of months are tough, but then it gets a lot easier.
By: Emily York on February 7, 2012
at 6:21 pm